Number Five

I don't know where to start this post. Do I start with the fact that since Jeremiah was six months old, nearly four years ago, I have been longing for another baby? It would be misleading to say we have been "trying" to have a baby for four years. I nursed Jeremiah on a very limited diet, loosing a lot of weight, for 17.5 months. I did not get a cycle until after I stopped nursing him, but of course, at that time, I was dealing with the whole cancer thing. Nevertheless, the thought of another baby remained always in my heart and I just had this feeling that our family was not quite finished yet. Not knowing what God's plan was for us with respect to another baby, but trusting that His timing and His plan is always perfect, I have prayed everyday for another baby and have remained hopeful, knowing full-well that all things are possible with God. Fortunately for me, these four years of waiting and hoping have been made enjoyable by the four beautiful miracles that God has already sent me and I have not spent my life obsessing or worrying about having another baby, just waiting, hoping, praying, willing to accept and excited to see whatever God's perfect plan for our lives was.

Do I start with the fact that at 39 years-old, having a fifth baby is ridiculous, dangerous and scary, especially considering the past pregnancy complications and Gabriel's and Jeremiah's health issues. To answer everyone's pressing questions, yes, we do know what birth control is and no, to the best of my knowledge, I am not crazy, at least not certifiably crazy. I don't know where this story begins or ends. What I do know is that on Sunday, April 1, I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things for Gabriel's birthday party and I picked up a home pregnancy test. I took the test when I got home and it was positive.

What made me pick up that test? Basically it comes down to a mother's intuition. About Wednesday of last week, the 28th, I noticed abdominal cramping, like I was going to get my period. It lasted much of the day. I looked at my calendar and determined that I was on cycle day 37, which is not unusual for me. My cycles have been 32-44 days, so I figured it was time for my friend to come visit. But it didn't. I thought about a pregnancy test, and meant to pick one up on my trip to Target, but got busy with other things, namely getting ready for Gabriel's birthday, so I forgot about it. I noticed I was rather bloated in the abdomen, again this not unusual before my period. Then, I told some people that if I God ever blessed us with another baby, Jeremiah would be really upset because he had his nose all out of joint when Gabriel was home recuperating from surgery. Then, Thursday night, I had a very vivid dream that I remembered nearly all of the details. I was surprised because unless I am pregnant, I rarely remember my dreams with such details. Then, Saturday morning, I got the feeling like I was going to get my period again. I had lots of abdominal cramping that lasted the whole day. Saturday night, I could not sleep and as I lay awake, I just knew I was pregnant. I knew it in my heart and in my soul, in the very core of my being. I did not need a pregnancy test to tell me. The purpose of the pregnancy test was to have something physical to show David.

When that second pink line appeared, I started jumping for joy, I was so happy. To my surprise, David was happy too and did not immediately freak out. I think I was as happy as I was when I first found out I was pregnant with the twins, nearly nine years ago. I was so excited, I just walked around saying, "Thank you God, thank you God" over and over. And I spent the rest of the day with the biggest smile on my face and in my heart.

When my parents and sister came over for Gabriel's birthday party, I told them I was pregnant. I threw my normal "wait until the end of the first trimester" rule out the window. I mean, if I have a miscarriage, I would tell them, so if they did not know about the baby to begin with it, telling them something bad would be that much harder. Also, because of my age and the complications I have had with the other children and pregnancies, this is a high-risk pregnancy. I know this might not be an easy road.

So, I don't know when the due date is, but my best guess at this point would be the first week of December. I guess I like to have winter babies near the holidays. That always makes life interesting! And crazy! And fun!

I love being pregnant. I love every minute of it, even the not-so-beautiful moments. I knew the instant I became pregnant with the twins, and each subsequent pregnancy after theirs has only reaffirmed to me, that I was born to do this. I was born to be pregnant, give birth to and nurse babies. I was born to be a mother and my children are my primary mission-field. God designed women's bodies so perfectly for this purpose. Today, for some women, and even for me before I ever became pregnant, getting caught-up in body image is very easy. We forget that our bodies are tools, the tools God uses to bring new life into this world.  Our bodies are God's tools, not our treasures, and it's really the most amazing tool that He ever could have invented. I am constantly in awe of how the baby develops inside the mother and I love getting to play some small part in the creation of one His miracles, the gift of another soul created to share eternity with Him in Heaven.

Thanks be to God for this amazing blessing he has given us. Please join me on my journey the next nine months! I want to savor every moment of this special time because even though I can't be certain of God's plans, this is probably the last time I will get to be pregnant, to give birth and to nurse a baby.